How much can one give before it is enough? That is the question of the hour in my head. How much can you put your neck on the line for someone else before it starts tripping you up? How does helping someone out once (and for a stated amount of time) turn into an obligation and a responsibility? One that makes you feel guilty because at some point enough IS enough!?! Can they not see that far in front of their nose that they are not the center of the world? That they are owed NOTHING and that I need to give NOTHING? I have my own situations that need to be handled, without the cry of unfairness, bitterness and pulling on the heartstrings. If they'd have opened their eyes and paid attention to anyone but themselves in the past couple of years they'd have realized it. They have relied on the support from over here for too long. I am at the breaking point.
Have you seen my Zen? I have found it misplaced in the past -- the past 2 weeks especially -- finding it is especially trying. We're busy as can be as a family unit. Baseball and gymnastics in the evening. Homework after school and in the evening. Meals. Private time (seriously?) I've become an anxious worry wort. I am struggling to find peace. Zen. Whatever you want to call it: I need it. Desperately.
While searching for it, I found this blog post from 2007 on the Daily Devotional Blog (which I hadn't seen before my search.) I love it. I am not sure that I can wrap my head around the entire concept right now but I get it. Kind of. I need to get it. I need to be able to cast my fears/worries/anxieties on God because I am not strong enough to do this by myself, even with the strength of my family. Recently, my hair began falling out again - terribly. Which I think is a physical manifestation of the anxiety I'm carrying around. Someone is telling me that I have got to slow down, lessen the load and breathe.
But I still need to know: when is it okay to say enough?