Saturday, September 7, 2013

I think

that this is going to take longer than I thought.  Longer to pull myself together, longer to accept the fact that there will never be any answers for why God let this happen to our family. 

Darby should be posing for a photo today for my scrapbook with one of those funny "Five Months Old" stickers on her chest, giggling for us.  All I can think is thank goodness I couldn't decide on ordering ones with her name on them or with a different princess picture for each month.  What would I have done if I had to get rid of those too? Thank goodness I am indecisive. 

Today we spent the morning at the soccer fields.  First with Sweetart's "munchkin" group then with Twink's 5th and 6th grade team.  We were initially late because the girls in our house decided to have meltdowns about a few different things and we just couldn't get out of the door.  Then Sweetart fell and skinned her knee when we were not even 5 yards from the van.  We were one of the last families to get our uniform.  We missed the introduction which told us who the "red" coach was for the day and where she was practicing.  We followed the chaos a little bit until I saw a group of "reds" moving towards the left of the fields.  We parked our butts by the fence so that we could watch the entire practice.

A woman with a little boy in a stroller parked about 10 feet from me.  I couldn't even look at her and   I certainly couldn't look at the baby in the stroller.  How much longer is this going to happen?  It took me until after the entire practice was over  to look at the woman in her face.  I knew her!!  I felt so rude, so betrayed by my own emotions.  All I could say was "how's it going" when we walked by her leaving. 

It never occurred to me that munchkin soccer would have so many babies.  How we are at the "old" end of the age spectrum for munchkins.  Sweetart is our youngest one playing sports.  I drag the older kids with me to her practice.  There are families who are still young and their munchkin might be their oldest ... and they bring the babies with them.  How am I going to get through this season? 

On a happier note, Sweetart almost gave up 3/4 into the practice but she sucked it up and played the rest of the time so that she could get her snack afterwards.  (That's my girl!)  And Twink's team tied - 2-2.  Last night, the Boy's travel baseball team won their game by one.   It's all good.  I just need to embrace that goodness today.

2 comments:

Veronica said...

Grieving takes time... a lot longer than most of us would like for it to. What you are experiencing is very normal and I'm glad that you are transparent about it. I believe the healing begins when the "boil" is lanced, opened. And though we feel vulnerable and weak, we will actually become stronger and well as we walk forward however long it takes. Don't pressure yourself. You are a great mother and being there for your children at their games is a giant step toward that healing. Proud of you!

Hayley said...

It's hard. There is no way around it....only through it. I have a nephew (my sister's son) who is the exact same age my Emma would have been. It's been hard to watch him reach milestones that I know my baby girl should be enjoying. It does get easier with time, but it was so hard in the first few months and even years afterwards to see all the babies that were the same age grow up into healthy, happy children. We were blessed to have been able to have 35 weeks with her, and even though she didn't get to live here on earth, I am confident that we have an angel watching over us, and what a comfort that has been to us. Blessings to you......one day at a time.